Monday, November 28, 2016

11/27/16-Guiltless Gratitude

Sunset Reflecting on My Van
Ehrenberg, AZ 11/26/16

I have carried a deep, dark secret that has weighed on me. Until now.

In Unity, we believe that we co-create with Spirit. My dream to live fulltime on the road was born in 2011, the night I created my first blog post. You can read about it (here).

My last blog post shared a little bit of what it’s like being out here on the road while coping with a traumatic brain injury (TBI). You can watch the video and read about that (here). What I’ve never shared is that I have always felt guilty for not being able to work, and I've carried the deep-seated fear that somehow I am responsible for creating my disability that got me here.

After sharing my last post on FB, one of my earth angels, Rev. David H Howard, shared this as a comment:
“Oh, Sweetheart. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. As I watched your video I was remembering how you shared with me your dream of van dwelling long before it manifested for you. Your Soul knew even then what you needed. I am so proud of you for holding to your vision and for seeing it through. You truly live the lesson I gave today on Hope. I'll send you the recording. I am thankful for you in my life. Joyous blessings my friend. I love you!”

I read that and cried and cried. Years and a million pounds rolled off my shoulders and freed my heart from the guilt I have been carrying for over a year now. I wrote the following as my reply.
Wow, David, angel mine. You just gave me the BIGGEST gift, maybe ever. I love the way Spirit shows up in you, through you, as you. "Your Soul knew even then what you needed."  
Being the human that I am (grin), I have carried a heavy burden of guilt, in spite of my efforts to transform it, that I may have somehow manifested my injury to get me on the road. Since, as you said, it was a dream of mine long before it manifested for me. I set my intention in 2011 to retire in 2020 and hit the road fulltime. Here, in this moment, it does not look at all in 2016 like I thought it would post retirement. Did I co-create this? Did I manifest it? Did I "do" this to myself? All questions I routinely ask myself. In one loving paragraph you released my heart ache.
My neuro specialists have said that their best "guestimate" for the development of my hippocampal sclerosis (HS aka scar tissue on the brain) "probably" began around 2000 presenting initially as symptomatic in 2005 from the initial impact in 1995. I love the twist, the "in touch with reality" loving perspective that Spirit/My Soul/God/The Universe knew that I would need to heal and live out here, in nature, in my van. And Spirit took all of that information to give me my dream in 2011 so that I could be prepared when this day came. Wow, oh wow.
I am completely puddled dear David. I hope you understand the depths of your gift. I didn't subconsciously co-create the escalation of scar tissue so that I could live my dream. My dream manifested so that I could live. Period. Tears of release and gratitude are flowing. "Joyous blessings indeed." I love you too.

And with that, a new day dawns and I no longer feel that I am weighted down by tons and tons of guilt holding me back like I'm tethered to a colossal anchor. I have always been grateful for my blessings, and now I no longer feel guilty about them. I live in a van. I get to see glorious sunrises and sunsets, and I am joyFULL.

Michael Buble sings it best, “It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. And I’m feeling good.” I make no apologies for what the Universe has given me.

Sunrise, Ehrenberg AZ 11/27/16


  1. Graditude, is powerful. Thank you for sharing...🌞

    1. Yes it is Kathleen, and gratitude without guilt is even better! :)) Big healing hugZ to you!

  2. I'm thrilled that you are holding yourself with love and compassion. You are not your body. You are not your mind. You are Spirit expressing as a unique and beautiful Soul. As you listen with your heart you will hear your Soul. Let it continue to lead the way to ALL the blessings the Universe has for you. And, be In-Joy as you are open to receive. Guiltless Gratitude, AMEN!

    1. Thank you for the beautiful reminders my friend. Much love and infinite blessings to you. <3

  3. so happy for you that David could lift your burden. beautiful photo of your van and that stunning sky.

    1. Me too, Sandra. Thank you! And I'm thrilled that you like the photo. I have been taking a ton of sunrise and sunset photos lately but all I have is my iPhone. I can't help but think each time, "Wow, I wonder what MadSnapper could do with this awe-mazing scene?!?" Love and hugZ to you!

  4. I have long kept my TBI "secret" as i possibly could. Mostly, by avoiding making new real life friends. Writing online makes things easier, because i can write it and its there later. I dont remember i wrote it, but later its there to go read again. but in real life, i dont make friends anymore. i seclude myself and my "circle" is VERY small. I have ONE best male friend, and ONE best Female friend... when i watched your video discussing your TBI, it opened me. Since then, i have shared about HOW I got my TBI, something i NEVER talk about. ITS EMBARRASSING to me. I have also shared about the physical trauma that did not help the TBI i gave myself. yes, its my own fault i have the TBI.. not done on purpose, but as a results of something i did.
    i am GRATEFUL for YOU DEBORAH... you have become a blessing to my life.

    1. My dear brave, brave, brave Brita. You are such a bright shining light. I am thrilled that you are finding your voice. Shine girl, shine. Always. Thanks for all your messages. I look forward to seeing you out here one day!


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