|Sunset Reflecting on My Van|
Ehrenberg, AZ 11/26/16
I have carried a deep, dark secret that has weighed on me. Until now.
In Unity, we believe that we co-create with Spirit. My dream to live fulltime on the road was born in 2011, the night I created my first blog post. You can read about it (here).
My last blog post shared a little bit of what it’s like being out here on the road while coping with a traumatic brain injury (TBI). You can watch the video and read about that (here). What I’ve never shared is that I have always felt guilty for not being able to work, and I've carried the deep-seated fear that somehow I am responsible for creating my disability that got me here.
After sharing my last post on FB, one of my earth angels, Rev. David H Howard, shared this as a comment:
“Oh, Sweetheart. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. As I watched your video I was remembering how you shared with me your dream of van dwelling long before it manifested for you. Your Soul knew even then what you needed. I am so proud of you for holding to your vision and for seeing it through. You truly live the lesson I gave today on Hope. I'll send you the recording. I am thankful for you in my life. Joyous blessings my friend. I love you!”
I read that and cried and cried. Years and a million pounds rolled off my shoulders and freed my heart from the guilt I have been carrying for over a year now. I wrote the following as my reply.
Wow, David, angel mine. You just gave me the BIGGEST gift, maybe ever. I love the way Spirit shows up in you, through you, as you. "Your Soul knew even then what you needed."
Being the human that I am (grin), I have carried a heavy burden of guilt, in spite of my efforts to transform it, that I may have somehow manifested my injury to get me on the road. Since, as you said, it was a dream of mine long before it manifested for me. I set my intention in 2011 to retire in 2020 and hit the road fulltime. Here, in this moment, it does not look at all in 2016 like I thought it would post retirement. Did I co-create this? Did I manifest it? Did I "do" this to myself? All questions I routinely ask myself. In one loving paragraph you released my heart ache.
My neuro specialists have said that their best "guestimate" for the development of my hippocampal sclerosis (HS aka scar tissue on the brain) "probably" began around 2000 presenting initially as symptomatic in 2005 from the initial impact in 1995. I love the twist, the "in touch with reality" loving perspective that Spirit/My Soul/God/The Universe knew that I would need to heal and live out here, in nature, in my van. And Spirit took all of that information to give me my dream in 2011 so that I could be prepared when this day came. Wow, oh wow.
I am completely puddled dear David. I hope you understand the depths of your gift. I didn't subconsciously co-create the escalation of scar tissue so that I could live my dream. My dream manifested so that I could live. Period. Tears of release and gratitude are flowing. "Joyous blessings indeed." I love you too.
And with that, a new day dawns and I no longer feel that I am weighted down by tons and tons of guilt holding me back like I'm tethered to a colossal anchor. I have always been grateful for my blessings, and now I no longer feel guilty about them. I live in a van. I get to see glorious sunrises and sunsets, and I am joyFULL.
Michael Buble sings it best, “It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. And I’m feeling good.” I make no apologies for what the Universe has given me.
|Sunrise, Ehrenberg AZ 11/27/16|